Tarot

12 Apr

If you want to know who I am, read these Faerie cards upside down.
Here:
I put wax in my hair. Real wax. Melted. It never comes off. No matter how much you wash and rinse and repeat and rinse and repeat.
I am the guy who stalks the literature aisles, picks up “Buddhism, A Way of Life,” and puts it back after reading the inside jacket. The recommendation from the Dalai Lama. Good Housekeeping seal of approval. Association of Editors Something Something.
I am the boy with the olive skin who takes pictures of lewd sex acts performed by nobodies on stage at the Rock Creek Lodge Testicle Festival in Missoula, Montana.
I smoke menthols. Sometimes.
I cut the tag off the mattress and piss into the toilet sitting down like a woman.
Because I’m lazy.
I write grace notes about Americana on lined paper and mail them to myself. I never stick on enough postage. They come back to me anyway.
I experiment with steroids.
I grind down Valium and shoot them into my veins with a hypodermic needle.
I roll my eyes at impossible romances.
I lose faith and gain faith and lose desire for life.
Phone sex.
Pornography.
Alcohol on Easter Sundays.
Have you ever seen a fat Jesus?

She says: “You’re beautiful.”
Roll eyes.
Turn red.
Empty the glass.
Open the veins in a hot bath.

This is at the end of sixteen years’ work. I’m tired and so I open it up for her so she can see. Everything is there for her. “You’re beautiful.”
Nothing is.
She says all I need is some convincing. And so I let her convince me.

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7 Responses to “Tarot”

  1. slyboots2 12/04/2007 at 12:14 AM #

    Now I have to ask- how in the world did you hear about the Testicle Festival? I didn’t know that it was famous enough to leave the borders of the state.

    And the rest- well, just keep it up. It is good.

  2. Anonymous 12/04/2007 at 6:42 AM #

    Valium? Next time, share with the class.
    L7

  3. Kunstemæcker 12/04/2007 at 7:30 AM #

    Sometimes I feel the need to lose desire for life. It inspires me.

    There’s a an ambience in your writing that’s so real, I swear I can almost touch it.

  4. Tisha! 12/04/2007 at 9:10 AM #

    will you ever see things through her eyes…?

  5. Rachel 12/04/2007 at 5:05 PM #

    If only it was easier to be convinced.

    If only it wasn’t so easy to roll your eyes at ‘impossible romances’.

  6. Lx 12/04/2007 at 5:36 PM #

    sly, i have sources.
    L7, next time, instead of thai food.
    Kunst, thanks.
    tisha, trying.
    rachel, yes.

  7. Tisha! 13/04/2007 at 11:43 AM #

    good!

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