One Sentence at a Time

3 Jun

I tell her, I don’t know if I can save her. I don’t know how I can reach from here. I cannot even save myself. She says she doesn’t need that. Then what? What can I possibly offer? Below the layers and copies of copies spit out by insomnia, there lies an incredible sense of lucidity. An unbelievable territory of sharpness. It comes at the hands of other sensory depriving activities. Starvation, for one. Hunger is good discipline. What is found buried beneath all of it, is this frightening clarity and trenchant call to action. What is unmanning, is the truth which it carries. And how we cower in the face of it.

I have stopped talking to most people. Literally. It started with consciously subtracting sentences from conversations. Systematically. Until there were none left. The things I have in common with people, I don’t have in common. Children. Mortgages. Car payments. Taxes. Bug-free lawns. Landscaping. Those are all wedges forcing rifts, not common denominators. I cannot merge into those kinds of conversations.

This is how you take down your house. One sentence at a time. And it doesn’t scare me. I can no longer wait for approval from The Castle. I’m going. I hope to see you on some other side. Somewhere. But if I don’t (and I probably won’t), I’ll know things are moving unceremoniously along their set time tables. I’ll know in the end, the only cyclical thumb print I’ll have made in all of this, will be visible at the graveyard on a sunny, chilly Sunday afternoon to two people sitting on stone steps, trying to get warm.

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6 Responses to “One Sentence at a Time”

  1. Anonymous 03/06/2007 at 1:39 PM #

    Hey, this is beautiful man. I love the Kafka Castle reference. I really like these personal entries.
    J

  2. adjunct whore 03/06/2007 at 2:31 PM #

    a haunting vignette. what other side and who are the two people?

  3. slyboots2 03/06/2007 at 6:24 PM #

    If you can quiet the voices inside while stilling the voice on the outside, that will be quite a feat. And I would like some pointers. Because it’s the incessant babble from the interior that gets on the nerves, in my experience. The rest is just distraction.

    I make myself sound like a total loon, no?

  4. Tisha! 03/06/2007 at 8:31 PM #

    fuck you!

    you have left a mark, on me at least and I will not be put down that way!

  5. Kunstemæcker 04/06/2007 at 8:00 AM #

    “I have stopped talking to most people. Literally. It started with consciously subtracting sentences from conversations. Systematically. Until there were none left.”

    Wonderful part.

  6. Lx 04/06/2007 at 8:45 AM #

    Thanks K.
    Tisha, tsk tsk…such bad language.
    I’m shocked.
    Adjunct, no divulging.
    Sly, you are just that.

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