The FBI Files

28 Jan

(Censored), Installation Services Division, United States Postal Service Management Academy, 250 Khartoum St. Potomac, MD., advised that on January 28, 1993, he learned from a confidential source whom he declined to identify that AMP, a file clerk with employee number 20687N5, was allegedly writing obscene articles for the City Paper magazine of Washington D.C. and that he was not married to the individual listed as the beneficiary for his Life and Health Benefits Insurance.

(Censored) advised that he reviewed AMP’s Official Personnel file and noted that he listed one (Censored) 5526 Good Luck Road, Lanham, MD. as his wife on a standard form 53, “Designation of Beneficiary, Federal Employee Group Life Insurance Act of 1954,” and on a standard form 1772 “Designation of Beneficiary Unpaid Compensation of Deceased Civilian Employee,” both dated November 1, 1992.

(Censored) advised that on February 20, 1993 between approximately 10:00 p.m. and 11:00 p.m. he interviewed AMP at the terminal annex, USPS, Kensington, MD. During this interview, AMP acknowledged having written twenty-four articles for the weekly, independent magazine City Paper, all of which are titled “(S)wine–Fiction…sometimes” by AMP (note: intentional use of parentheses, not a typo.). He stated that these articles have appeared in two dozen issues of City Paper and that he is paid by its editorial board for these articles. He explained that his articles are “an inter-mixture of fiction and fact” and are “highly romanticized in order to give the story juice.” He further elaborated that he writes these articles “for sheer joy.” He acknowledged being the author of such articles titled “Gillette to Consumers: Fuck Everything, We’re Doing Five Blades,” and “The Journal of the American Medical Association: 4 Out of 5 Doctors Think the 5th is a Douchebag.”

(Censored) further advised that AMP admitted to him that he entered into a common-law marriage with (Censored) who calls herself (Censored) (Censored) several years ago. AMP claimed that (Censored) does not want marriage and that (Censored) (Censored) (Censored). He stated that this (Censored) (Censored) (Censored) and who lives “someplace in the midwest” (Censored) (Censored) (Censored). (Censored) He admitted that she shares his apartment and bed from time to time for limited periods of a few days.

(Censored) stated that AMP has an extremely poor record, fraught with scores of bad reviews, because of excessive absenteeism. He stated according to his record, AMP uses “ill health” as a reason for being absent.

(Censored) stated that he knows nothing at all concerning AMP’s associates (and that it’s highly likely that AMP has no associates at all), reputation, or loyalty to the United States. He stated, however, that based upon AMP’s admitted authorship of the above-mentioned articles and the fact that he is living in a common-law marriage, he would say that AMP’s moral character leaves something to be desired. He stated for this reason, he would not recommend AMP for retention as an employee of the United States Postal Service.

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2 Responses to “The FBI Files”

  1. Slyboots 29/01/2008 at 8:00 AM #

    How does this delight me? Let me count the ways. First, I heartily enjoy the postal service references. Just because. Every postman I have ever met is a tad….odd.

    Second, I like the names of the articles that AMP has written, and would do a Google search to find them, but realize that this is a fictional convention, and the articles are most likely in the zeitgeist somewhere rather than real.

    Third, Censored and Redacted are the same amazing construct- basically protecting either the innocent, the wicked or the tattle tale. Your call.

    Fourth, it made me laugh.

  2. (S)wine 29/01/2008 at 4:25 PM #

    Ah nice. Thanks. This makes me laugh too.

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