My Agent

9 Apr

–What in hell is ludefisk?
–What?
–Ludefisk, what the hell is that?
This is on the phone, in the throes of a massive hangover. Two days ago.
–What does that have to do with anything? What time is it? Am I paying for this call or you?
–Oh yea, he says –You’re on Eastern time.
And he’s not. He’s in Veracruz. Actually, Alvarado. Still…that’s 3 hours behind. That puts him around 2-something a.m. He’s still up. The night before. It’s the night before there.
–Well?
–Well what?
–Ludefisk. What is that?
–Why do you ask?
–It’s in one of your stories. Have you given up, by the way?
–What?
–Smoking. Have you given it up?
I hear him light up with a Zippo. To spite me, like.
–Piss off you.
He laughs and coughs.
–Look it up.
–What?
–Look up ludefisk.
There’s a long pause and a huge bang.
–What was that?
A woman’s voice. Irrational. Fighting. He covers up the receiver and it all becomes muddled. Then:
–Ah, baby…
Another bang. And:
–I can’t look it up. She burned the dictionary.
–Jesus.
–And then she took a…what’s that…the…one big hammer…
–Sledgehammer.
–Yea. She took the hedgehammer and demolished my desk.
–SLEDGEhammer.
–Yea, yea.
–When was that?
–Last week. We’re all right now.
–Didn’t sound like it. Is she gone?
–No, not now now, just in general now. I mean, yea, she’s gone. She said she’d come back to throw my typewriter out the window.
–Jesus, heh? Special trip and all.
–Yes well…you know, she’s fiery.
–And how.
–So then. Ludefisk?
–Yea, I didn’t know myself until some lady said…
–Hold on, hold on, some guy is here with…
Another bang.
–You all right?
–Hold on, this guy has a…, then he covers up the receiver but I still hear him:
–What is that? Wha? An X-ray…?
And the line goes dead.

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2 Responses to “My Agent”

  1. Slyboots 09/04/2008 at 7:33 PM #

    He asks an important question. One that has boggled the minds of Norsemen and their spawn for generations. There was a man in Minot, ND who claimed to have an answer. But he was killed in a mysterious pipe organ explosion. Something to do with plugged reed assemblies. The inquest yielded nothing. But it was suspicious.

    After his death, the word got out that those asking around about Ludefisk ran the risk of similar dispach. So the questions petered out.

    Tell your agent to be very careful. And avoid at all costs North Dakota. And Ballard.

  2. (S)wine 09/04/2008 at 7:35 PM #

    A good story in its own right, your pipe organ incident. I have not yet been to the Badlands, but I would like to very much. I will avoid Ballard, however. Cheers.

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