The Sporting Life

4 Mar

Brothers, Sisters, Pensioners, Functionaries, and Indolent Parasites on the Dole Watching Maury Povich and Eating Pork Rinds on Your Sofa,

The literary scene, you ax…what of the lit scene? Well? What of it. This is the subject most frequently touched upon in the myriad electronic mail I receive daily from you bourgeoisie swine. Honestly, what the hell do I know about that? I’ve been busy playing rugby with Rachel Roberts and Alan Badel. Hey, did you know that a drop kick can severely rupture your groin if not executed correctly? You may think the Adductor an insignificant muscle, but lemme tell you something pendejo: try walking with one of these torn babies up 5 floors to your apartment when the goddamn lift is out of order. Eh?

And so in lieu of a proper response concerning the intellectual elite still gathering at George Plimpton’s joint on the upper east side looking for a gratis gin-n-tonic and discussing the likes of David Foster Wallace or Jonathan Franzen, here’s what The (S)wine has been reading the last few weeks:

The Virtue of Rubbing the Radish by Emanuel Rossetus, Bezvoglu Publishers, Ankara, 1967
A wonderful, in-depth account of why rubbing the radish is analogous to chicken soup for the soul (but not “Choking the Chicken” or “Playing the Skin Flute”). Rosettus masterfully describes the process in micro detail; from picking the perfect Raphanus sativus to the four major methods of rubbing: with your hand, with paper, obsessively, and in reverse. A definite must-have in every civilised household. Except Romanian.

A Pencil Sharpened by Mario Vajna, Bolshevik Publishers, Srebrenica, 2009
This sprawling novel begins with tracing (pun intended) the trajectory of a sharp-point graphite pencil on 3lb. un-lined A4 graph paper. The pencil first draws a spiral, then writes a haiku, and finally draws the posterior of a cat looking behind at the reader through her own legs. Drama: the pencil does not have an eraser, therefore it cannot make a mistake. The suspense and tension Vajna crafts with his prose are indescribable. At one point (pun intended) the tip breaks and a new character is introduced: the sharpener. The relationship between it and the pencil creates a new pinnacle of tragedy. The novel ends like all of Vajna’s books: the main character is run over by a kerosene truck.

The Paradox of the Equinox: A Look at Unhappiness as Sexual Obsession by Gerhardt Schweinhuber, Schweinsgemüth Publishers, Bad Orb, 2007
The newest offering by the German philosopher has a small disadvantage: it cannot be read. It does, conversely, have a small advantage: the paper stock is of exceptional quality therefore you can use it for crafting various origami, paper hats, and little tanks with which you can invade Slovakia.

The (S)wine


8 Responses to “The Sporting Life”

  1. valerie 04/03/2010 at 2:30 PM #

    g.e.d. circa 97.

  2. E. Gerald Oberman 04/03/2010 at 3:23 PM #

    I must say, I really enjoy your writing style. The world needs more vivacious writers with balls (especially the type willing to risk their safety for a smooth dropkick).

    In the words of all the dead the Beats: I dig.

  3. (S)wine 04/03/2010 at 3:34 PM #

    @Valerie, I have no idea what that means.
    @E. Gerald, thanks.

  4. mariarocio 05/03/2010 at 11:59 AM #

    why, it means General Education Development.


    And it will totally make sense to you now.

    Or maybe not.

  5. (S)wine 05/03/2010 at 12:00 PM #

    not. especially the number.

  6. valerie 05/03/2010 at 12:01 PM #


  7. (S)wine 05/03/2010 at 12:03 PM #

    i ain’t gettin the connection. it’s all right. things are probably better left that way.

  8. valerie 05/03/2010 at 12:04 PM #

    i’m a member of the intellectual elite.

    just citing my credentials.

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