Aspired Expirin-The Conspiracy Theory Issue

Editors’ Note:
Given the present environment and predilection for the general populace to bend with whichever way a convenient informational wind blows (especially if that wind’s blowing is incessantly trumpeted over and over across all available channels of communication), we here at Aspired Expirin have decided to eschew that sentiment and move ahead with publishing our latest satirical issue of the magazine this month. Back in our editors’ formative years, conspiracy theories and their Kool-Aid-addicted fanatical choirs were thought of by society in general (whatever that means) as freaky-deaky kooky bam-a-lam swallowed whole and fully digested into savage, weird, and occasionally deadly dogma by . . . well, by freaky-deaky kooks who deserved to end up wherever and in whichever state they ended up. (Most of them ended up in the state of Texas, HEYOH!)

Long gone are those days of general rational thought and humor, and the editors acknowledge that. However, we feel it’s our duty to advance our commitment to satire, caricature, and overall jocularity despite the possibility of serious repercussions at the hands of misguided cult types ready to take up arms against child-trafficking pizza parlors. We feel that way because satire and humor may very well be the last-surviving (and possibly most efficient) weapons of common sense and rational intellect. If we’ve lost you by now, just think of that whole “pen is mightier than the sword” rigmarole. Ya dig?

That’s right, we’re still old-fashioned, chivalrous, and valiant like that in our beliefs. Like Don Quixote, but with self-driving Teslas and phones capable of shoving humanity to its extinction. And also like Don Quixote, not a few of our staff have taken, at one time or another, long, sharp objects to the odd windmill littering the land, churning kinetic energy into electricity—but that’s neither here nor there. It’s somewhere, but we don’t really know where. (Or what that means.)

Well then, so if you dig and you’re game, then here you go:

Elvis Killed JFK
It’s only fitting that, just as the King giveth, so he therefore also taketh. In this case, he taketh out one of his own knights of Camelot. Rumor has it that JFK was working furiously behind Col. Tom Parker’s back, aided by the Rat Pack, to anoint Wayne Newton with the intoxicating ambrosia of Supreme Show-Biz Emperor of Las Vegas. It seems JFK (and we assume the Rat Pack) just simply preferred Wayne’s act over Elvis’s. In a fit of rage (and Lord knows what other digestive mayhem), Elvis Presley ordered JFK’s hit from the convenience of his bejeweled but unlucky commode, like a veritable Tony Soprano . The rest, as it’s said, is history. Though a malleable history, admittedly. Stay tuned here for possible permutations.

Post Scriptum: Jackie Kennedy coined the word “Camelot” to reference her late husband’s presidency. She revealed that he liked listening to music from the Broadway show of the same name. True story. (Or not.)

Andy Kaufman Owns Las Vegas
Forget everything you know about Bugsy Siegel, Meyer Lansky, Kirk Kerkorian, or Steve Wynn. “Latka Gravas” is alive and well. And currently taking a big cut of your 401K at the blackjack table. Yessir, the Foreign Man himself is ibi-dibi-da ing all the way to the bank with your retirement dreams in his fat pockets. Rumor has it that, along with Tony Clifton, he is sharing the grandiose penthouse of The Sunset Tower Hotel with—that’s right—the still-kickin’ Howard Hughes. In a separate but related conspiratorial item, sources tell our editors the word on the street is a reboot of Three’s Company is in the works, produced by Hughes’s studios and starring Kaufman, Clifton, and Hughes themselves. We await with emphysemic breath the pilot of the show, which we assume will be steeped in double-entendre hilarity and homophobic jokes.

The Moon Landing Was Shot by Stanley Kubrick in Atlantis
This one has particular traction with the loyal swivelheads, as it also folds in the mythical lost world many say is found buried in the Mediterranean Sea, just below Cyprus. The theory holds that the real Atlantis is actually an abandoned, ice-free area found on Antarctica. The belief is rooted in the Piri Reis map, which shows Antarctica free of ice in several parts of the continent. Kubrick is believed to have commandeered all the resources available to NASA, truck them all down to the bottom of the world, and conjure up the landing that was broadcast live in July, 1969. The technology and machinery used to simulate the historic landing and document it for posterity, the theory holds, was borrowed from the original Lost in Space TV series. WARNING, WILL ROBINSON! WARNING!

“Maggot Brain” by Funkadelic Was Directly Inspired by RFK Jr.
A curiously timely and interestingly prescient theory here, given the recent news and tight political presidential race we have ongoing. Our editors are skeptical of Junior’s intentions other than splitting the vote. But toward which camp? Collectively, we enjoy this theory the most. It combines our undying love for anything and everything Parliament Funk with our propensity to side with weirdos so far out on the fringe that they could fall into the gluttonous Abyss at any second. What’s not to love about self-destruction in slow motion?

Bigfoot Is Friendly with the Beastie Boys
You might even say they’re . . . besties! Yes, yes, we know. We have clever writers on our staff. All two of them. The theorem here was spawned by The Beastie Boys’ video for their single “Triple Double” in 2004, off their album “To The 5 Boroughs.” The clip was being filmed on Canal Street, when several dozen residents witnessed Bigfoot come tearing around the corner of Canal and Greenwich, ensuing all sorts of mayhem and nervous hilarity. Many spotted a rabid Ronald McDonald pointing a Camcorder at all the havoc being wreaked by our furry friend, but it was later found out that the suspect was director Spike Jonze, who had worked with the Beasties on previous videos, donning an orange wig and red lederhosen.

Amelia Earhart Makes a Special Appearance in Breaking Bad
The contingent of conspiratorial crazies (whoever said alliteration is evil?) insist that the famous missing aviatrix shows up in the iconic series as Emilio (they might be on to something here: Emilio/Amelia . . . ), cousin and right-hand-man of Krazy 8. But if you blink, you’ll miss the whole delish thing. Emilio ends up in the iconic bathtub scene in episode 2—you know the one—in which Jesse is tasked with dissolving Emilio’s body. The acid eats through the body and the tub as well, bringing down the floor along with Emilio’s ooze and slush. Poor Amelia/Emilio. First, the crash in the Pacific at the hands of her intoxicated navigator Fred Noonan. Now this denouement. What’s next for our intrepid flier? And where will she show up? Perhaps on a piece of toast, alongside Jesus.

We, here at Aspired Expirin love us some conspiratorial ditties. Especially if they involve mythical creatures or really gruesome come-uppances for those involved. We appreciate the gift of gab and storytelling, and so we’re down for having a best-of-three backgammon series and a couple of fingers of home-made hooch any time whilst banging around savage hypotheses and groovy conflated stories that would make Baron von Munchausen blush. Bring them on. We’re listening.

Next month: Roger Sterling of Sterling/Cooper/Draper/Pryce reviews Oscar-nominated movies.

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moon is the oldest TV

slow fiction : ȃ̵̲͖̍̕n̸̙̍ä̶͓͈͉̹͉͍̫́l̷̘̣̦̟͆͊͋̏̎̌̅̆o̶̗͓̫͍͍̰̗͌̊́̄̈́̓̕͜͜g̷͇͓̿̉̒̈̕͠͠ͅ ̷̧̗̻͚͎̳̤̪̣̈́̓̑̓̈́̀ ̵̨̡̞͓̦̙̝̲̱͎͗͠ ̶̡̰̳̟͉͙̯͇̯̇͂̐̍̈r̸̥͈͍̣̬̍̆̈̚͜a̷͉̭̙̬̻͎̠̐͐̍̏̋̉̈̅͠d̶̛͚͇̓̔̽̽̚͠i̶̘̰͈͓̞̾͊̈́ǫ̷̥͊͐̋

[they discovered a roman aqueduct in the middle of the rainforest in ecuador]

TV buddha needs ⓡⓔⓜⓞⓣⓔ

eleKtronic superhighways : throttling lane closures every midnight-5 a.m.

[here’s an idea: meet ugly]

“I’ve always wanted to be the unreal deal.”
– Paul Pemulius [byline unknown; person does not exist]

(this is a song with no words
no one can hear the missing

Some months after December, 1989 a German team of law enforcement experts, prosecutors, and forensic scientists looking for Juan Weider came upon a Roman aqueduct in the rainforest of Ecuador. It was a puzzling discovery, given that side of the world and absolutely no historical accounts of Roman colonization of South Ameriʞʞʞa. Everything about the disappearance of Juan Weider was puzzling, including its resolution. Or, non-resolution. But there, among the horrors of the discovery of Weider’s work over all the years he had been missing, stood this magnificent relic built by a civilization that had never before been thought to have reached that part of the world. There was no doubt that the aqueduct was Roman, so the mystery of its existence was further cemented. The structure was engineered with the typical arches, allowing for large-span coverage. It was made from new materials, like concrete and waterproof cement, which could ignore unfavorable land features and draw the water along the straightest possible route along a regular gradient. Another innovation that allowed for this structure to traverse valleys, for example, was the large-scale inverted siphon. These were made from clay or several lead pipes reinforced with stone blocks. The force of gravity and pressure as the water ran down the valley created momentum, which would drive the water up the opposite side. The arched bridges running across the valley floor would lessen the height the water had to fall, and more importantly, run up on its ascent. Further evidence of its Roman engineering were stopcocks to manage pressure and regulate the water flow, as well as storage reservoirs, settling tanks to extract sediment, and mesh filters at outlets. Also present was a system for small cascades. This was used to “freshen water” by aerating it.

Kurt Schrimm (prosecutor, Berlin)

“Interesting thing: the Roman aqueducts were protected by law. No agricultural activity was to exist near an aqueduct in case of damage by ploughing or root growth.”

Uwe Blab (detective, Berlin)

“But on the other hand, agriculture benefited from aqueducts, as in many cases, running off channels were created to provide water for land irrigation. So you see . . . “

(this is a song with no words
no one can hear the missing

Six

i call the kid and wake her up
happy birthday kid
yea thanks dad she says
then goes into a long monologue about the phases of the moon
to[-]day on her birthday it’s a quarter full
and in two weeks it’ll be all the way full she says
and every once in a while it’s blue right?
yea that’s a good one dad she says